Thoughts of a Working Mom

I have a lot on my mind today. I've been thinking a lot lately about being a working mom and how hard it is working the hours I do, especially lately. I'm not sure what it is, but I think it's starting to take a toll on me. I've worked throughout the whole 4 years since I was pregnant and had Jace. As baby #2 quickly approaches, I keep thinking about how much harder it's going to be going back to work with 2 kids at home. I might ramble on a lot in this post because I'm not very good at putting things into writing. I know a lot of moms have to work and I honestly wonder how they do it. Lately, I've been working pretty much full time hours covering for other employees and to earn a little extra money before I leave for maternity leave. And I feel like everyday, it just gets harder and harder for me to leave Jace and Lance. As I've said before, Jace has been diagnosed with aspergers. Before he turned 3, he had a lot of social problems. We actually tried setting up a playgroup with a neighbor and Jace would always play by himself at the group. So, basically, the playgroup didn't continue because the kids were never playing together. Here we are a year later and Jace is like a new kid. All he longs for is kids to play with. And it kills me. Because of my job, we never have time to join in on those activities. A lot of kids go to McDonald's or to the park, but because I have to go to work, I can't take Jace. Today, I think it really hit me. We had someone come over to check out our swamp cooler and his kids came with. Jace was having so much fun with them that when they had to leave, Jace actually climbed into their truck and asked to go with them. I had to make him get out and he just cried and cried after that. We got invited to go with them because they were getting lunch, but because I had to get ready and go to work, I had to feed him leftovers and make him stay with mommy. I have never ever seen my little boy so sad in my life. It just broke my heart. Being a full time working mom is so hard. I wish I had the option of staying home with my little boy everyday and letting him go out and do fun activities with friends every once in awhile. We've never "clicked" with people in our neighborhood I think because we're never home.

I think working full time has taken its own toll on our marriage. I'm not saying my marriage is bad because it's not by any means. But things haven't been as peachy keen as they used to be when I only worked 20 hours a week. Lance and I just work completely opposite schedules. It's hard because I want to stay at home and cook dinner and sit at the dinner table every night with my husband and little boy. Instead, I have to hear about Lance and Jace sitting at the table together having fun little conversations. I don't enjoy cooking because if I cook, I just have to leave it for Lance and Jace to eat later. I long for date nights with my husband, but I work every weekend. Our only real days together are Sundays. I just miss all the time we used to have together.

Anyways, like I said, I'm not trying to sound like a complainer. These are just thoughts running through my head lately. Working is just something I've got to do at this time. Everyday, I secretly wish I could quit my job especially when my baby girl comes. I wish that we had the budget for me to quit. How do all you stay-at-home moms do it? Honestly! If you made it through this post, bravo. If not, I don't blame you!