Contemplating

I've been through several dogs the last year.  We have Whitey, our lab mix that has stuck around  and I'm glad because he and Jace are best friends.  Last December, we got a beagle because Lance really wanted one. She stuck around for awhile, but she and Whitey just didn't get along with each other and we decided it was best to give her away to another family looking for a dog.  And now we know she's in a good home with someone that loves her. In April, we got the cutest puppy ever!  She disappeared one night and we're thinking that she must have been killed by the neighbor's dog.  I don't think we'll ever know what happened to her.  Then, we got our sweet Lola in June and then just a few days ago, I had to see her killed by the neighbor's dog.  

I'm a big dog lover.  There's kind of a void I have that I feel like I need to fill with Lola gone.  At the same time, I've been through so many dogs already, I'm too scared about getting another one.  The dog that we're pretty sure killed her was taken away, so I don't feel like I need to be concerned about it happening again.  At the same time, we have new neighbors with 3 big dogs that they just let roam and it makes me a little nervous having them around our yard.  I never want to relive the experience of seeing my little dog killed and hearing her cry.  It was a helpless feeling because there's nothing I could have done to help her.  By the time I reached her, I knew there was no hope and it was the most crushing feeling in the world.  

I had dogs growing up and nothing ever happened to them.  They lived wonderful lives until they got old and had to be put to sleep.  But I knew they lived happy lives.  I never envisioned losing a dog the way I did.  My mother-in-law had dogs that got really sick and had to be put to sleep and even to this day, she hates the thought of something happening to the dog she now owns.   I understand what she's feeling now.  The thought of getting another dog and something else happening is just frightening.  

Lance has been showing me dogs online that he would love to get.  A part of me just wants to jump and get one, but then the memory of what happened to Lola comes back to mind and I shut the idea away.  I've told Lance that before we can get another dog, he has to fix our fence and make sure there are absolutely no gaps a dog could fit through of any size.  I really wanted a small lap dog, but after losing 2, I've decided that I'm just not meant to have one.  The thought of getting a little bigger one kind of eases my mind and makes me think it might work.  I don't know what I'm going to do at this point.  I'm sure I'll open up to the idea of another dog soon, but I don't think I'm ready.  Maybe in the spring when we can fix up our yard and fill the gaps in the fence, I'll feel a little better about it.  I'm pretty content with Whitey, but even he misses Lola and it's obvious.  He's had another dog around the house to play with for a year and you can tell he's  grieving with her gone.  I don't know....I guess time will tell.  Maybe I'll just get a cat or a goldfish.